2004 "A New Journey Begins"
2005 "To Infinity and Beyond"
2006 "What Dreams May Come"
2007 "The Winds of Change"
2008 "I Will Go and Do"
2009 "In the Path of Greatness"
2010 “Just Keep Swimming”
And the title for 2011 is...
2011 Stand A Little Taller or
Be Ye the SALT of the earth.
It's time to stop whining, time to stop feeling sorry, time to stand a little taller, time to make more of an effort, and time to utilize all the gifts I've been given.
"Let us stand a little taller, if you don't, you will never strengthen yourself."
— Gordon B. Hinckley
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
And my Ending is Despair Unless...
And my ending is despair
Unless I be relieved by prayer
These are some of the last lines in Shakespeare's The Tempest and in fact, some of the last lines he ever wrote. Currently I am starring as Prospero in a local production of The Tempest and never before did those words ever truly mean anything until tonight. I have found lately that I get discouraged easily, especially when I start thinking about everything that is happening, or could happen right now. I realized this evening that one of Satan's tools is discouragement or despair. That is what he is currently using to try and bring me down. And it would be my ending, except for the fact that my burdens are lifted when I go to the Lord in prayer. There was an ultimate sacrifice made so that our ending would never be despair. Now I don't know if Shakespeare was inspired or if he was even a religious man at all, but I do know that he knew there was a power in prayer that could lift one's soul. I am grateful for prayer and that my trials can be made easier through the Lord's sacrifice.
Unless I be relieved by prayer
These are some of the last lines in Shakespeare's The Tempest and in fact, some of the last lines he ever wrote. Currently I am starring as Prospero in a local production of The Tempest and never before did those words ever truly mean anything until tonight. I have found lately that I get discouraged easily, especially when I start thinking about everything that is happening, or could happen right now. I realized this evening that one of Satan's tools is discouragement or despair. That is what he is currently using to try and bring me down. And it would be my ending, except for the fact that my burdens are lifted when I go to the Lord in prayer. There was an ultimate sacrifice made so that our ending would never be despair. Now I don't know if Shakespeare was inspired or if he was even a religious man at all, but I do know that he knew there was a power in prayer that could lift one's soul. I am grateful for prayer and that my trials can be made easier through the Lord's sacrifice.
Monday, July 19, 2010
I Don't Want To
I know, I know... My first blog in a couple months. *takes bow*
Recently, I've had some conversations with some friends about household chores they despise. My roommate hates taking out the trash with a passion. I hate weeding.
Another friend hates to cook (to them, it's a chore).
Growing up, the chore everyone hated was doing the dishes. When it came time to clean up, there was a race to the dishwasher to unload it because it meant that whomever reached it and unloaded it first didn't have to load. I've lived on my own for almost 9 years now and in my own house, I don't mind doing the dishes. I actually feel better when the kitchen's clean and I find I don't complain about my roommates so much because they leave dirty dishes if I just do them. Today I was thinking about what changed and realized what it was when I went over to my parents' house this morning.
In my parent's house, there is always a right way and a wrong way to do things (I think that's where my perfectionism stems). It's not enough just to do the dishes, but you have to do them right. If you look the word "right" up in a dictionary in my parents' house, it says, "Right = The way dad would do it if he had done it." Now granted, there is a correct way of doing the dishes and there is a difference between wiping the counter and cleaning the counter, but listening to my dad talk with my brother about the incorrect way he did the dishes last night, I realized that, growing up, we used to get in trouble for doing the dishes. He would make us feel guilty about doing the chore. He has gotten much better in handling these things, but I believe I can tie all hatred of communal household chores back to doing them wrong at my parents' house.
Now, I load the dishwasher any way I want to... I even put cups on the bottom rack!!! I know, I'm such a rebel. When I pull my weeds, I pull some flowers sometimes just because I can. When I do my laundry, I make sure to separate the colors from the whites and use cold water on the colors and bleach on the whites because, really, what kind of rebel has pink underwear and faded clothes?
What chore do you despise?
Recently, I've had some conversations with some friends about household chores they despise. My roommate hates taking out the trash with a passion. I hate weeding.
Another friend hates to cook (to them, it's a chore).
Growing up, the chore everyone hated was doing the dishes. When it came time to clean up, there was a race to the dishwasher to unload it because it meant that whomever reached it and unloaded it first didn't have to load. I've lived on my own for almost 9 years now and in my own house, I don't mind doing the dishes. I actually feel better when the kitchen's clean and I find I don't complain about my roommates so much because they leave dirty dishes if I just do them. Today I was thinking about what changed and realized what it was when I went over to my parents' house this morning.
In my parent's house, there is always a right way and a wrong way to do things (I think that's where my perfectionism stems). It's not enough just to do the dishes, but you have to do them right. If you look the word "right" up in a dictionary in my parents' house, it says, "Right = The way dad would do it if he had done it." Now granted, there is a correct way of doing the dishes and there is a difference between wiping the counter and cleaning the counter, but listening to my dad talk with my brother about the incorrect way he did the dishes last night, I realized that, growing up, we used to get in trouble for doing the dishes. He would make us feel guilty about doing the chore. He has gotten much better in handling these things, but I believe I can tie all hatred of communal household chores back to doing them wrong at my parents' house.
Now, I load the dishwasher any way I want to... I even put cups on the bottom rack!!! I know, I'm such a rebel. When I pull my weeds, I pull some flowers sometimes just because I can. When I do my laundry, I make sure to separate the colors from the whites and use cold water on the colors and bleach on the whites because, really, what kind of rebel has pink underwear and faded clothes?
What chore do you despise?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Thin Air
There is an art to conversation. My problem is that I never was good at art. I mean, I can be very creative, but it doesn't seem to be turned on all the time; and it takes a lot of work. As for conversation, I enjoy talking to people, but when it comes to getting one started, I seem to sometimes falter. I don't want it to come off like a job interview. Then again, I also don't want to talk about myself... well I do, because it's easy and it the subject I know most about, but I know better than that.
On another note, it's difficult to converse with someone who gives one word answers and doesn't ask any questions back. What do you do if that happens? Does it mean they don't want to talk to you? Are they simply not good at communicating? *sigh*
On another note, it's difficult to converse with someone who gives one word answers and doesn't ask any questions back. What do you do if that happens? Does it mean they don't want to talk to you? Are they simply not good at communicating? *sigh*
Monday, May 17, 2010
Grateful
My blog posts are usually sporadic because I often don't think what I have to say is of much consequence, so I only write when prompted to... usually by emotion. Today I started off writing just to write, I didn't have anything in particular to say, but once again, it turned into a post prompted by emotion.
I am grateful.
Although there are so many reasons to be stressed out right now, I am grateful for my life.
-I am grateful that I'm a little overweight: I'm not going hungry. I often get disparaged over the fight to keep my weight down, but realize that I could be starving and have no choice about what I eat.
-I am thankful for the opportunities we get to serve. There are many lists that go around during church and I have made a goal this month to sign up for all of them if I don't have anything scheduled during that time already.
-I am grateful for so many friends. According to facebook I have 771. I remember in elementary school I would come home crying because I just wanted 1.
-I am grateful for where I am in life. Not many people my age have a couple of houses and have traveled the world. I am very blessed to have done all this and so much more already. I am also grateful to know what I want out of life and where I am going.
-I am thankful for my trials. I know that they help build and shape me into the person God wants me to be. It's good to be grateful for them right now, because sometimes, it's hard to see that when the light is dim.
I am grateful.
Although there are so many reasons to be stressed out right now, I am grateful for my life.
-I am grateful that I'm a little overweight: I'm not going hungry. I often get disparaged over the fight to keep my weight down, but realize that I could be starving and have no choice about what I eat.
-I am thankful for the opportunities we get to serve. There are many lists that go around during church and I have made a goal this month to sign up for all of them if I don't have anything scheduled during that time already.
-I am grateful for so many friends. According to facebook I have 771. I remember in elementary school I would come home crying because I just wanted 1.
-I am grateful for where I am in life. Not many people my age have a couple of houses and have traveled the world. I am very blessed to have done all this and so much more already. I am also grateful to know what I want out of life and where I am going.
-I am thankful for my trials. I know that they help build and shape me into the person God wants me to be. It's good to be grateful for them right now, because sometimes, it's hard to see that when the light is dim.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Why Do I Panic? -Part 2-
In 2006 I wrote a post titled: "Why do I Panic?" I have recently revisited that post have some new thoughts on it.
When I wrote this post, I had someone specifically in mind that I was talking about. And yes, it was also a general post on some level. I look at it now and realize that I've grown a lot when it comes to relationships. I think a majority of this is due to my broken engagement and the growth it forced me garner.
I'm not a coward by any means. I am grateful to know who I am and where I am headed and I generally think I know what I want from life. My confidence has definitely been strengthened infinitely since that last post in 2006.
Now, do I still panic when talking to an attractive girl? Absolutely. Do I have a hard time calling someone on the phone for a date? Yes. But I've learned that I simply have to push through it. I have to push through the fear, the anxiety, and the temptation to blurt out everything that I'm feeling. I've also recognized that I feel more at home when I feel like I'm in control of the scenario, which is why I don't do so well in a room full of strangers. (I also think this is one of the reasons I do theater: the room full of strangers, over time, becomes a room full of new friends.)
Sometimes, I wait too long to take action. Or least I over analyze it and believe it to have been too long... but there I go again, thinking of someone specific. Anyway, this is one thing I hope to work on: Taking dating opportunities before they disappear. And who knows, maybe past opportunities will be re-presented to me. If they are, I WILL take them this time.
So, I've dove from dizzifying heights in front of hundreds of people while wearing nothing but a loincloth. I've traveled the world. I've lived in a foreign country at the poverty level among the natives. I've performed in countless plays, including one with an audience of thousands where once again, I was in a loincloth (hmm... I see a pattern developing). I've talked to strangers on the phone, convincing them to give my company their money. I've taught Real Estate in front of audiences of thousands. All of this I did with nerves of steel.
So why is it that when I have a crush on a girl, or find her remotely attractive, I have the hardest time speaking to her? Why do I begin to panic inside? Why can't I just come out and say, "I think you are beautiful and talented. May I have the honor of taking you out to dinner?"
I even plan things to say and do I say them? No. I panic. My mind goes blank and all I do is keep quiet or laugh.
When I wrote this post, I had someone specifically in mind that I was talking about. And yes, it was also a general post on some level. I look at it now and realize that I've grown a lot when it comes to relationships. I think a majority of this is due to my broken engagement and the growth it forced me garner.
I'm not a coward by any means. I am grateful to know who I am and where I am headed and I generally think I know what I want from life. My confidence has definitely been strengthened infinitely since that last post in 2006.
Now, do I still panic when talking to an attractive girl? Absolutely. Do I have a hard time calling someone on the phone for a date? Yes. But I've learned that I simply have to push through it. I have to push through the fear, the anxiety, and the temptation to blurt out everything that I'm feeling. I've also recognized that I feel more at home when I feel like I'm in control of the scenario, which is why I don't do so well in a room full of strangers. (I also think this is one of the reasons I do theater: the room full of strangers, over time, becomes a room full of new friends.)
Sometimes, I wait too long to take action. Or least I over analyze it and believe it to have been too long... but there I go again, thinking of someone specific. Anyway, this is one thing I hope to work on: Taking dating opportunities before they disappear. And who knows, maybe past opportunities will be re-presented to me. If they are, I WILL take them this time.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Music and Breathing: One in the same.
I had a friend comment to me last night, "Hearing really good music is like breathing, isn't it?" And to me, this statement rings all too true.
This week has been filled with wonderful music for me, even more so than normal. On Monday, I began the week with the stake talent show. Although some acts were... less than professional (after all, it's just a church talent show), I savored the moments in that were exceptional. I wish that I could say my act was one of those exceptional moments, but both Zank and I could not hear the music nor see our word cues. Nonetheless we made the best of it.
Tuesday night I decided to work on my own musical talents and I sat at the piano and sang and played songs I have not worked on in a while. It was so wonderful to be able to do that because I've not always been able to hear the right tones (see story below).
Wednesday there was a concert for the Sandy Institute forum. And who singing? My good friend Daniel Beck. Another treat that night was instrumental guitar solos by Michael Dowdle. That is one talented man. As I sat there listening to them, I couldn't help but want to compose music. This was an interesting feeling, because I have never wanted (nor even thought I was capable of) doing something like that before.
Thursday I went to the symphony with my best friend. The theme of the night was movies and they played many songs by John Williams. One particularly clever part was when they were playing Darth Vader's Imperial March, some of the trumpet part was re-written to include "Book of Mormon Stories" in a minor key that matched the march perfectly. The guest violinist of the evening was Jenny Oaks Baker. Wow. She is a very talented musician and my soul was flying when I heard her play.
I find it interesting the effect good music has on me. Also, I have noted that is not simply enough for one to sing well or play their music well. There has to be a piece of the person in the music: emotion. I know plenty of people who can find a note and sing it, but good music is more than that, it's about conveying an emotion and is a form of speech.
When I was younger, a music teacher told my dad, "He'll never be able to carry a tune, not even in a bucket." Of course, my dad never told me this until later. And the music teacher wasn't basing her comment off of nothing. I was tone deaf. I could not hear all the tones, nor was I able to stay in the same key to save my life. The turning point in my musical reality was on the Disney Cruise at the end of 2000. Chuck Wagner was the first Beast in the workshop of Disney's Beauty and the Beast and as fate has it, he was there on this ship with us. One of the many daily activities on the cruise was a session with him. Only about 15 people showed up for this "mini-concert". He sang for us, and when I heard him sing "If I Can't Love Her" I immediately said to myself, "One day, I will sing like that." When I arrived home, I purchased Chuck's CD and would sing along with all the songs. Also, I would sit at the piano and plunk out a note and try to match it; my dad who was often in the nearby kitchen would tell me to go higher or lower. Slowly, I began to hear all the notes and could match them pretty well. It wasn't until just recently that I was able to pick out harmonies and get my timing down. Now, my singing ability is one of the things I am most proud of. It is also one of the things I have worked hardest for. I still have things to work on, but music will always be one of my loves.
This week has been filled with wonderful music for me, even more so than normal. On Monday, I began the week with the stake talent show. Although some acts were... less than professional (after all, it's just a church talent show), I savored the moments in that were exceptional. I wish that I could say my act was one of those exceptional moments, but both Zank and I could not hear the music nor see our word cues. Nonetheless we made the best of it.
Tuesday night I decided to work on my own musical talents and I sat at the piano and sang and played songs I have not worked on in a while. It was so wonderful to be able to do that because I've not always been able to hear the right tones (see story below).
Wednesday there was a concert for the Sandy Institute forum. And who singing? My good friend Daniel Beck. Another treat that night was instrumental guitar solos by Michael Dowdle. That is one talented man. As I sat there listening to them, I couldn't help but want to compose music. This was an interesting feeling, because I have never wanted (nor even thought I was capable of) doing something like that before.
Thursday I went to the symphony with my best friend. The theme of the night was movies and they played many songs by John Williams. One particularly clever part was when they were playing Darth Vader's Imperial March, some of the trumpet part was re-written to include "Book of Mormon Stories" in a minor key that matched the march perfectly. The guest violinist of the evening was Jenny Oaks Baker. Wow. She is a very talented musician and my soul was flying when I heard her play.
I find it interesting the effect good music has on me. Also, I have noted that is not simply enough for one to sing well or play their music well. There has to be a piece of the person in the music: emotion. I know plenty of people who can find a note and sing it, but good music is more than that, it's about conveying an emotion and is a form of speech.
When I was younger, a music teacher told my dad, "He'll never be able to carry a tune, not even in a bucket." Of course, my dad never told me this until later. And the music teacher wasn't basing her comment off of nothing. I was tone deaf. I could not hear all the tones, nor was I able to stay in the same key to save my life. The turning point in my musical reality was on the Disney Cruise at the end of 2000. Chuck Wagner was the first Beast in the workshop of Disney's Beauty and the Beast and as fate has it, he was there on this ship with us. One of the many daily activities on the cruise was a session with him. Only about 15 people showed up for this "mini-concert". He sang for us, and when I heard him sing "If I Can't Love Her" I immediately said to myself, "One day, I will sing like that." When I arrived home, I purchased Chuck's CD and would sing along with all the songs. Also, I would sit at the piano and plunk out a note and try to match it; my dad who was often in the nearby kitchen would tell me to go higher or lower. Slowly, I began to hear all the notes and could match them pretty well. It wasn't until just recently that I was able to pick out harmonies and get my timing down. Now, my singing ability is one of the things I am most proud of. It is also one of the things I have worked hardest for. I still have things to work on, but music will always be one of my loves.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
You've Got a Friend in Me
I've been thinking a lot lately about friendship and to be quite honest, I'm fed up with it. Now I'm not fed up with the friends I have nor creating new friendships. I'm more fed up with the way the word "friend" is abused. I think this is mostly due to the broad meaning that the word "friend" comprises. For example, I have kept in contact with someone I dated quite seriously and she says she wants to be friends, but to me, my friends are excited to see me. We were at the same function last night and I seriously have gotten a warmer greeting from the drive through lady at Wendy's.
Another example is girls whom I have just met (and may or may not be interested in) seem to discount me immediately and make it painfully clear that I am their friend. Really, if you have to remind someone in conversation that you are friends, I don't think you quite grasp the meaning of the word. Why can't they just say right out that they're not interested? Sure, it's a bit painful to hear and maybe even to say, but skirting around the issue and hiding behind the pretense of being "friends" is on the precipice of lying. Everyone wants to be friends. I don't really know anyone who starts out the day figuring out how many enemies they should make that day.
And there is the final example of girls who get so frustrated with this very thing themselves, but immediately turn around and do the same thing to someone else. A couple of examples (who will remain nameless) immediately come to mind.
I want to one day marry my best friend. But to me, the word "friend" has recently become tasteless in my mouth. I have enough "friends"... I want something more.
Another example is girls whom I have just met (and may or may not be interested in) seem to discount me immediately and make it painfully clear that I am their friend. Really, if you have to remind someone in conversation that you are friends, I don't think you quite grasp the meaning of the word. Why can't they just say right out that they're not interested? Sure, it's a bit painful to hear and maybe even to say, but skirting around the issue and hiding behind the pretense of being "friends" is on the precipice of lying. Everyone wants to be friends. I don't really know anyone who starts out the day figuring out how many enemies they should make that day.
And there is the final example of girls who get so frustrated with this very thing themselves, but immediately turn around and do the same thing to someone else. A couple of examples (who will remain nameless) immediately come to mind.
I want to one day marry my best friend. But to me, the word "friend" has recently become tasteless in my mouth. I have enough "friends"... I want something more.
Friday, January 01, 2010
January 1
This first photo of the year makes me so happy. We had a HUGE party at our house last night. We cleared out the couches and speakers in my basement and set up a dancefloor. Upstairs we had karaoke and in one of the unrented rooms we set up Rock Band.
At first we had close to a hundred people in my house and I didn't know 80% of them. But it died down a little later as people made their rounds of parties that night. We ended up with about 40 people and I knew all of them.
I invited my good friend Maren to the party. I met Maren about 5 years ago in my parents' ward. She's quite an amazing person. She was valedictorian when she graduated from the U of U. She was Jasmine in Disneyworld for a few years while she worked on her law degree. Next month she is going to take the Florida Bar (she's already has passed California's). It made me happy she came. It's her silhouette in the photo.
Resistance is Futile, Resilence is Inevitable
One of my goals this year is to remember each day with a photo. Sometimes it will be with my phone, sometimes it will be with my Canon 40D, sometimes with my Elph and sometimes I may not take the picture, but I find it significant for that day. I bet I can put 365 journal entries in by doing this.
PS I like typing 2010, it makes me happy.
Friday, January 01, 2010
2004 "A New Journey Begins"
2005 "To Infinity and Beyond"
2006 "What Dreams May Come"
2007 "The Winds of Change"
2008 "I Will Go and Do"
2009 "In the Path of Greatness"
2010 “Just Keep Swimming” or The Year of Precision
The reason behind this year’s title is simple: I believe it will be a very trying year. I have every reason in the world to be stressed out right now, but I know that if I rely on the Lord, I will be able to not only get through my trials, but I will bounce back, stronger than ever.
I have subtitled this year, "The Year of Precision". I was taking my roommate to the airport this morning and it came to me that I am going to work harder and smarter this year in all aspects of my life. I am going to become physically, mentally, and spiritually stronger than I have ever been.
PS I like typing 2010, it makes me happy.
Friday, January 01, 2010
2004 "A New Journey Begins"
2005 "To Infinity and Beyond"
2006 "What Dreams May Come"
2007 "The Winds of Change"
2008 "I Will Go and Do"
2009 "In the Path of Greatness"
2010 “Just Keep Swimming” or The Year of Precision
The reason behind this year’s title is simple: I believe it will be a very trying year. I have every reason in the world to be stressed out right now, but I know that if I rely on the Lord, I will be able to not only get through my trials, but I will bounce back, stronger than ever.
I have subtitled this year, "The Year of Precision". I was taking my roommate to the airport this morning and it came to me that I am going to work harder and smarter this year in all aspects of my life. I am going to become physically, mentally, and spiritually stronger than I have ever been.
Monday, August 24, 2009
It Is Better to Have Loved...
It Is Better to Have Loved...
Taking Flight
I fell in love. I have come to find that those four simple words contain profound stories. This was no ordinary love, however, it was a love deeper than I have ever felt before. The word “love” by itself can convey such great meaning that some men have died for it. Others, travel great distances to find it. Many have tried to describe it in its entirety with no true success. So many search their entire lives to feel it. However, when love is combined with selfishness, some of the greatest men may see their darkest hour.
In March I met a beautiful girl. She was fun and talented and we got along very well: So well, that by the end of May, I decided to ask the Lord if it was right that I should marry her.
On one particularly memorable night, I held her in my arms and gazed into her eyes, studying them affectionately. “I love looking into your eyes.”
“What do you see there?” She smiled blissfully. I hesitated to answer because I wanted to say everything that my heart was feeling, but all I could get out was, “I will tell you, but not now.”
“Why not?” She playfully whimpered.
“Time and place.” I responded.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Now is neither the correct time, nor the correct place…”
“Okay…” she was a bit disheartened.
That very night I humbly kneeled down next to my bed and began a prayer that would change my life forever. As I prayed, I received an overwhelming feeling that this was the girl I was going to spend eternity with. A tear of joy slid down my face. I had never been so happy.
The next evening was very similar to the previous. The night with each other was almost at an end and as I lovingly held her in my arms I paused apprehensively, not knowing if this was the time to follow the prompting in my heart… however, I readily discovered that I couldn’t keep it to myself. “I love looking in your eyes,” I echoed the previous night’s conversation, attempting to re-create it.
“What do you see there?” She smiled coyly. I returned the smile.
“Eternity.” At that moment, I could feel our hearts leap in unison and that same overwhelming warmth from the night before returned like water rushing over the falls. I asked her to pray about it and she adoringly agreed. The very next day she was overjoyed to share with me her personal revelation.
“Yes,” she shared.
“Yes?” I didn’t fully understand.
“Yes.” It finally dawned on me what she was talking about. And for a third time, as strong as ever, I felt my soul take flight.
Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall
C.S. Lewis once said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything at all and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping your heart intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love, is hell."
We had the date set for November 6th, her size 4 ½ ring was on special order, and we were inseparable. I thought nothing could come between us. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was going to take work, but I was so blissfully happy. We shared so much. I felt safe and comfortable every time I looked into her eyes. July 1st, however, proved to be a day I will not soon forget. It was the day I looked into her eyes to find that familiar safety I had come to rely on was missing. I knew something was wrong, but when I approached her, I found resistance. Something had changed and I didn’t know what it was, or what to do about it. My first reaction was to ask myself what I did wrong. But the more I asked that question, the more I realized that I had done nothing wrong, I had treated her no different than before.
The resistance persisted and my heart ached that I was not being let in like before. This was something she wanted to work out by herself and I was left outside in the cold. Now I wouldn’t say patience is one of my strongest virtues, but I tried with all my being to patiently wait through whatever it was she needed to work through. To me, things were slowly slipping away, and the wonderful, amazing girl I had known before had put up a wall between us. It’s very hard to have a good time with a wall. I prodded further, praying that she would let me in and share with me what was wrong. With difficulty, she asked for time. I was more than willing to give her time. Then, she asked for space. Space is a pretty broad term, so asked her to define space, she said she would define it later. When it all came down to it, she said she needed to be single so she could, “find [her]self.” The crushing blow of this statement was hid behind my understanding smile. She wanted to continue to be friends while she worked through this. I don’t think I fully understood what she was saying.
The thing about being engaged, and then being friends is that you don’t know where you fit. Were we dating and she just needed time? Were we to date other people? Were we still working toward something? To me, there is no such thing as being engaged and then being “just friends”: There is no “in between”. “In between” is confusing and miserable.
I tried the “just friends” thing for about 1 week. That week, I thought, was one of the most miserable times of my life. I was obliviously unaware, however, what the following week held in store. That Sunday at her grandpa’s house I shared my feelings with her.
“I can’t be “just friends,” I told her.
“Why not?” She knew where this was going.
“Because I don’t fit in anywhere. While I’m waiting for you to figure out who you are, “in between” has been miserable and I don’t know who I am. Either we’re working toward something or we’re not.”
“I just don’t feel right about dating you right now.”
That last statement was the final blow to my heart. Past conversations rushed through my brain. “What ifs” and “what abouts” were rampantly stomping around in my mind. I was confused and clear, all at the same time. Here was a girl whom I had given my heart completely and unconditionally. She didn’t say, I don’t think it’s right to marry you right now… she said, date. I’m positive that this blow was mirrored in my countenance. I was silent for several minutes. This silence was mostly so I could gain my composure because I was sad and angry all at the same time. I didn’t want to lose it in any manner. I reached in my pocket and slowly pulled something out and placed it on the coffee table.
“Here, I can’t keep this anymore.” She wouldn’t look at it. I’m sure she thought it was the ring; when in fact, it was the mockup invitation to our wedding. “I can’t throw it out, you do it.” I then got up and went back inside the house. On the way inside, her mentally handicapped aunt, as always, asked me how I was doing. I feigned a smile and unconvincingly said, “I’m okay.” Intuitively she knew something was wrong, so she asked again. I just smiled and said nothing.
I went outside and waited by this girl’s car in hopes that she had more to say… desperately hoping she had thought about what she was doing to me. She arrived and immediately got in her car. Before she shut the door she stated, “If you ever change your mind about being friends, you know where to find me.” She paused a moment then said, “Oh, and you may not believe it, but I do love you, maybe not the way you want me to, but I do love you.” To me, this final statement took the broken pieces of my heart and ground them into even smaller pieces.
Darkest Hour
The scriptures often refer to the worst times in one’s life as their darkest hour. I never truly understood what that meant until Sunday, July 12th. After that fateful conversation at her grandpa’s house, I barely made it home, driving my way through all the tears I shed after she pulled away. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I reached my bedroom and immediately fell on my knees. I don’t know how long I was there, but I pleaded with Heavenly Father to take away the pain. I pleaded with Him that things would work out. I begged Him to make His will and my will the same. I may have even been a little angry with him that I (and supposedly her) received an answer that we were to be together, but then this happened. I immediately repented of my indignation. I refused to give up hope for this girl and me. After I finished my supplication, came my darkest hour.
I will not describe in detail how I felt that night because I do not wish to ever revisit it and I do not wish any of you to go there. I will, however, tell the story of the help and hope that arrived.
During all these struggles, my best friend of 5 years had been out of town. However, by divine chance, she did happen to arrive into Salt Lake at the very bottom of my despair, at the very moment I needed someone. Without thought of inconvenience or personal benefit, she came to my side. She listened. She consoled. She took my burdens on her shoulders. And most importantly, she was a light in the darkness. Amid the tears and depression, she stood strong and with an empathetic air, she waited by my side until I finally fell asleep. I will never forget the kindness she showed me that evening. It’s one of those pivotal moments in life.
I Think I See a Glimmer
The next few weeks I struggled to climb up out the hole I had fallen into. The hardest part was trying to let go of her. She’s not a bad person. In fact, the hardest part and reason I struggled most was that I still loved her. Slowly, I surrounded myself with positivity. In my darkest hour, I was not able to sing: one of the things that makes me most happy. I tried to sing, but the desire was gone completely. As I came to terms that I may not marry her, I started to find my voice. The music was returning. I found a peace in my life that was only fortified by the Lord.
I think one of the most dangerous things you can ask the Lord for is humility. The reason for this is that He wants you to be humble, so your will and the His will are in alignment. The danger of this petition is that, sometimes, we don’t know how much we need humbling until after the fact. In the moment, I did not know this, but the Lord was teaching me to rely on Him. I’ve always known that this is important, but apparently I needed a refresher.
Now, I am ready to move on. I am happy. I want the best for this girl. I hope that she can be happy. I’m even ready to be friends with her if she wants it. If something happens later, then good, if not, I’m okay with that too. As for me though, I won’t sit around waiting for her to make up her mind. I’m ready to do great things. I’m ready to rely on the Lord. There is hope once again: hope for the future, hope for me, and hope for love.
Taking Flight
I fell in love. I have come to find that those four simple words contain profound stories. This was no ordinary love, however, it was a love deeper than I have ever felt before. The word “love” by itself can convey such great meaning that some men have died for it. Others, travel great distances to find it. Many have tried to describe it in its entirety with no true success. So many search their entire lives to feel it. However, when love is combined with selfishness, some of the greatest men may see their darkest hour.
In March I met a beautiful girl. She was fun and talented and we got along very well: So well, that by the end of May, I decided to ask the Lord if it was right that I should marry her.
On one particularly memorable night, I held her in my arms and gazed into her eyes, studying them affectionately. “I love looking into your eyes.”
“What do you see there?” She smiled blissfully. I hesitated to answer because I wanted to say everything that my heart was feeling, but all I could get out was, “I will tell you, but not now.”
“Why not?” She playfully whimpered.
“Time and place.” I responded.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Now is neither the correct time, nor the correct place…”
“Okay…” she was a bit disheartened.
That very night I humbly kneeled down next to my bed and began a prayer that would change my life forever. As I prayed, I received an overwhelming feeling that this was the girl I was going to spend eternity with. A tear of joy slid down my face. I had never been so happy.
The next evening was very similar to the previous. The night with each other was almost at an end and as I lovingly held her in my arms I paused apprehensively, not knowing if this was the time to follow the prompting in my heart… however, I readily discovered that I couldn’t keep it to myself. “I love looking in your eyes,” I echoed the previous night’s conversation, attempting to re-create it.
“What do you see there?” She smiled coyly. I returned the smile.
“Eternity.” At that moment, I could feel our hearts leap in unison and that same overwhelming warmth from the night before returned like water rushing over the falls. I asked her to pray about it and she adoringly agreed. The very next day she was overjoyed to share with me her personal revelation.
“Yes,” she shared.
“Yes?” I didn’t fully understand.
“Yes.” It finally dawned on me what she was talking about. And for a third time, as strong as ever, I felt my soul take flight.
Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall
C.S. Lewis once said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything at all and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping your heart intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love, is hell."
We had the date set for November 6th, her size 4 ½ ring was on special order, and we were inseparable. I thought nothing could come between us. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was going to take work, but I was so blissfully happy. We shared so much. I felt safe and comfortable every time I looked into her eyes. July 1st, however, proved to be a day I will not soon forget. It was the day I looked into her eyes to find that familiar safety I had come to rely on was missing. I knew something was wrong, but when I approached her, I found resistance. Something had changed and I didn’t know what it was, or what to do about it. My first reaction was to ask myself what I did wrong. But the more I asked that question, the more I realized that I had done nothing wrong, I had treated her no different than before.
The resistance persisted and my heart ached that I was not being let in like before. This was something she wanted to work out by herself and I was left outside in the cold. Now I wouldn’t say patience is one of my strongest virtues, but I tried with all my being to patiently wait through whatever it was she needed to work through. To me, things were slowly slipping away, and the wonderful, amazing girl I had known before had put up a wall between us. It’s very hard to have a good time with a wall. I prodded further, praying that she would let me in and share with me what was wrong. With difficulty, she asked for time. I was more than willing to give her time. Then, she asked for space. Space is a pretty broad term, so asked her to define space, she said she would define it later. When it all came down to it, she said she needed to be single so she could, “find [her]self.” The crushing blow of this statement was hid behind my understanding smile. She wanted to continue to be friends while she worked through this. I don’t think I fully understood what she was saying.
The thing about being engaged, and then being friends is that you don’t know where you fit. Were we dating and she just needed time? Were we to date other people? Were we still working toward something? To me, there is no such thing as being engaged and then being “just friends”: There is no “in between”. “In between” is confusing and miserable.
I tried the “just friends” thing for about 1 week. That week, I thought, was one of the most miserable times of my life. I was obliviously unaware, however, what the following week held in store. That Sunday at her grandpa’s house I shared my feelings with her.
“I can’t be “just friends,” I told her.
“Why not?” She knew where this was going.
“Because I don’t fit in anywhere. While I’m waiting for you to figure out who you are, “in between” has been miserable and I don’t know who I am. Either we’re working toward something or we’re not.”
“I just don’t feel right about dating you right now.”
That last statement was the final blow to my heart. Past conversations rushed through my brain. “What ifs” and “what abouts” were rampantly stomping around in my mind. I was confused and clear, all at the same time. Here was a girl whom I had given my heart completely and unconditionally. She didn’t say, I don’t think it’s right to marry you right now… she said, date. I’m positive that this blow was mirrored in my countenance. I was silent for several minutes. This silence was mostly so I could gain my composure because I was sad and angry all at the same time. I didn’t want to lose it in any manner. I reached in my pocket and slowly pulled something out and placed it on the coffee table.
“Here, I can’t keep this anymore.” She wouldn’t look at it. I’m sure she thought it was the ring; when in fact, it was the mockup invitation to our wedding. “I can’t throw it out, you do it.” I then got up and went back inside the house. On the way inside, her mentally handicapped aunt, as always, asked me how I was doing. I feigned a smile and unconvincingly said, “I’m okay.” Intuitively she knew something was wrong, so she asked again. I just smiled and said nothing.
I went outside and waited by this girl’s car in hopes that she had more to say… desperately hoping she had thought about what she was doing to me. She arrived and immediately got in her car. Before she shut the door she stated, “If you ever change your mind about being friends, you know where to find me.” She paused a moment then said, “Oh, and you may not believe it, but I do love you, maybe not the way you want me to, but I do love you.” To me, this final statement took the broken pieces of my heart and ground them into even smaller pieces.
Darkest Hour
The scriptures often refer to the worst times in one’s life as their darkest hour. I never truly understood what that meant until Sunday, July 12th. After that fateful conversation at her grandpa’s house, I barely made it home, driving my way through all the tears I shed after she pulled away. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I reached my bedroom and immediately fell on my knees. I don’t know how long I was there, but I pleaded with Heavenly Father to take away the pain. I pleaded with Him that things would work out. I begged Him to make His will and my will the same. I may have even been a little angry with him that I (and supposedly her) received an answer that we were to be together, but then this happened. I immediately repented of my indignation. I refused to give up hope for this girl and me. After I finished my supplication, came my darkest hour.
I will not describe in detail how I felt that night because I do not wish to ever revisit it and I do not wish any of you to go there. I will, however, tell the story of the help and hope that arrived.
During all these struggles, my best friend of 5 years had been out of town. However, by divine chance, she did happen to arrive into Salt Lake at the very bottom of my despair, at the very moment I needed someone. Without thought of inconvenience or personal benefit, she came to my side. She listened. She consoled. She took my burdens on her shoulders. And most importantly, she was a light in the darkness. Amid the tears and depression, she stood strong and with an empathetic air, she waited by my side until I finally fell asleep. I will never forget the kindness she showed me that evening. It’s one of those pivotal moments in life.
I Think I See a Glimmer
The next few weeks I struggled to climb up out the hole I had fallen into. The hardest part was trying to let go of her. She’s not a bad person. In fact, the hardest part and reason I struggled most was that I still loved her. Slowly, I surrounded myself with positivity. In my darkest hour, I was not able to sing: one of the things that makes me most happy. I tried to sing, but the desire was gone completely. As I came to terms that I may not marry her, I started to find my voice. The music was returning. I found a peace in my life that was only fortified by the Lord.
I think one of the most dangerous things you can ask the Lord for is humility. The reason for this is that He wants you to be humble, so your will and the His will are in alignment. The danger of this petition is that, sometimes, we don’t know how much we need humbling until after the fact. In the moment, I did not know this, but the Lord was teaching me to rely on Him. I’ve always known that this is important, but apparently I needed a refresher.
Now, I am ready to move on. I am happy. I want the best for this girl. I hope that she can be happy. I’m even ready to be friends with her if she wants it. If something happens later, then good, if not, I’m okay with that too. As for me though, I won’t sit around waiting for her to make up her mind. I’m ready to do great things. I’m ready to rely on the Lord. There is hope once again: hope for the future, hope for me, and hope for love.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
People Will Say We're in Love
"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
-Dr. Seuss
-Dr. Seuss
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wow...
So I'm writing an ad for Facebook right now and it is asking me about my target audience. I put in People over 18 who work for Dell, Apple, and IBM. Keywords, Movies, and Money. At the bottom of the page, it gives me a number of how many people fit that criteria. When I put in the keyword "Star Wars" the number more than doubled! It made me laugh.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
Kissing
During a discussion last night I learned something about girls and kissing. All the girls at the table said that a kiss can change everything. They can not like a guy or feel lukewarm, but after a kiss, everything could change.
Well the guys at the table all agreed with me: If a guy goes into a kiss feeling lukewarm or not feeling it at all, that kiss will not change anything.
Thoughts?
Well the guys at the table all agreed with me: If a guy goes into a kiss feeling lukewarm or not feeling it at all, that kiss will not change anything.
Thoughts?
We Need to Talk
Most all relationships I've been in have ended on friendly terms. I can only think of one that I'm still not friends with. Tonight, a girl I went on a few dates with, during summer of last year, called me up and said, "We need to talk."
First of all, I haven't really heard anything, other than the traditional greeting, from her for months.
Second... NEVER call someone and say, "We need to talk." If you know you are going to see them soon, then just TALK. Sheesh.
Third, "We" didn't need to talk. She needed to talk. Don't say "we" if all of us aren't included.
Well apparently she thought she had handled things improperly and started mentioning "things that had happened" at "the end". And then she apologized and said she was changing some things. Honestly, I had no clue what she was talking about and I just let her keep talk because she obviously had some things she needed to work through.
Here's how I see it: Things didn't work out. The end. That's life, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Life doesn't always need to be unnecessarily complicated.
We're still friends, but that was an... experience.
First of all, I haven't really heard anything, other than the traditional greeting, from her for months.
Second... NEVER call someone and say, "We need to talk." If you know you are going to see them soon, then just TALK. Sheesh.
Third, "We" didn't need to talk. She needed to talk. Don't say "we" if all of us aren't included.
Well apparently she thought she had handled things improperly and started mentioning "things that had happened" at "the end". And then she apologized and said she was changing some things. Honestly, I had no clue what she was talking about and I just let her keep talk because she obviously had some things she needed to work through.
Here's how I see it: Things didn't work out. The end. That's life, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Life doesn't always need to be unnecessarily complicated.
We're still friends, but that was an... experience.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S
It's interesting how many people's jobs may be glamorous. Me, I get paid to fly around the country, try to inspire others, and stay in hotels where I use mini shampoos. The side people don't see is where I continually have to pack a suitcase because I'm in a new hotel every day. I don't really get to talk to anyone because I don't drink or smoke or go to strip clubs. That means I get to speak in front of an audience twice a day for 2 hours, then go to my hotel room. I don't speak with anyone for a whole week. I'll tell you right now, it gets kinda lonely.
I'm in Alaska right now. In the morning, I'll get up around 4:00am to catch a flight from Fairbanks to Anchorage. I was on two planes yesterday. I'll catch a 1:00am flight on Friday.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I have a job, especially one that pays well, but it's not what it appears on the surface.
I'm in Alaska right now. In the morning, I'll get up around 4:00am to catch a flight from Fairbanks to Anchorage. I was on two planes yesterday. I'll catch a 1:00am flight on Friday.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I have a job, especially one that pays well, but it's not what it appears on the surface.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Service
"Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and ver agree to serve. You don't have to know the second law of thermodynamics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love."
-Martin Luther King Jr.
-Martin Luther King Jr.