It Is Better to Have Loved...

It Is Better to Have Loved...

Taking Flight

I fell in love. I have come to find that those four simple words contain profound stories. This was no ordinary love, however, it was a love deeper than I have ever felt before. The word “love” by itself can convey such great meaning that some men have died for it. Others, travel great distances to find it. Many have tried to describe it in its entirety with no true success. So many search their entire lives to feel it. However, when love is combined with selfishness, some of the greatest men may see their darkest hour.

In March I met a beautiful girl. She was fun and talented and we got along very well: So well, that by the end of May, I decided to ask the Lord if it was right that I should marry her.

On one particularly memorable night, I held her in my arms and gazed into her eyes, studying them affectionately. “I love looking into your eyes.”

“What do you see there?” She smiled blissfully. I hesitated to answer because I wanted to say everything that my heart was feeling, but all I could get out was, “I will tell you, but not now.”

“Why not?” She playfully whimpered.

“Time and place.” I responded.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Now is neither the correct time, nor the correct place…”

“Okay…” she was a bit disheartened.

That very night I humbly kneeled down next to my bed and began a prayer that would change my life forever. As I prayed, I received an overwhelming feeling that this was the girl I was going to spend eternity with. A tear of joy slid down my face. I had never been so happy.

The next evening was very similar to the previous. The night with each other was almost at an end and as I lovingly held her in my arms I paused apprehensively, not knowing if this was the time to follow the prompting in my heart… however, I readily discovered that I couldn’t keep it to myself. “I love looking in your eyes,” I echoed the previous night’s conversation, attempting to re-create it.

“What do you see there?” She smiled coyly. I returned the smile.

“Eternity.” At that moment, I could feel our hearts leap in unison and that same overwhelming warmth from the night before returned like water rushing over the falls. I asked her to pray about it and she adoringly agreed. The very next day she was overjoyed to share with me her personal revelation.

“Yes,” she shared.

“Yes?” I didn’t fully understand.

“Yes.” It finally dawned on me what she was talking about. And for a third time, as strong as ever, I felt my soul take flight.


Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall

C.S. Lewis once said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything at all and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping your heart intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love, is hell."

We had the date set for November 6th, her size 4 ½ ring was on special order, and we were inseparable. I thought nothing could come between us. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was going to take work, but I was so blissfully happy. We shared so much. I felt safe and comfortable every time I looked into her eyes. July 1st, however, proved to be a day I will not soon forget. It was the day I looked into her eyes to find that familiar safety I had come to rely on was missing. I knew something was wrong, but when I approached her, I found resistance. Something had changed and I didn’t know what it was, or what to do about it. My first reaction was to ask myself what I did wrong. But the more I asked that question, the more I realized that I had done nothing wrong, I had treated her no different than before.

The resistance persisted and my heart ached that I was not being let in like before. This was something she wanted to work out by herself and I was left outside in the cold. Now I wouldn’t say patience is one of my strongest virtues, but I tried with all my being to patiently wait through whatever it was she needed to work through. To me, things were slowly slipping away, and the wonderful, amazing girl I had known before had put up a wall between us. It’s very hard to have a good time with a wall. I prodded further, praying that she would let me in and share with me what was wrong. With difficulty, she asked for time. I was more than willing to give her time. Then, she asked for space. Space is a pretty broad term, so asked her to define space, she said she would define it later. When it all came down to it, she said she needed to be single so she could, “find [her]self.” The crushing blow of this statement was hid behind my understanding smile. She wanted to continue to be friends while she worked through this. I don’t think I fully understood what she was saying.

The thing about being engaged, and then being friends is that you don’t know where you fit. Were we dating and she just needed time? Were we to date other people? Were we still working toward something? To me, there is no such thing as being engaged and then being “just friends”: There is no “in between”. “In between” is confusing and miserable.

I tried the “just friends” thing for about 1 week. That week, I thought, was one of the most miserable times of my life. I was obliviously unaware, however, what the following week held in store. That Sunday at her grandpa’s house I shared my feelings with her.

“I can’t be “just friends,” I told her.

“Why not?” She knew where this was going.

“Because I don’t fit in anywhere. While I’m waiting for you to figure out who you are, “in between” has been miserable and I don’t know who I am. Either we’re working toward something or we’re not.”

“I just don’t feel right about dating you right now.”

That last statement was the final blow to my heart. Past conversations rushed through my brain. “What ifs” and “what abouts” were rampantly stomping around in my mind. I was confused and clear, all at the same time. Here was a girl whom I had given my heart completely and unconditionally. She didn’t say, I don’t think it’s right to marry you right now… she said, date. I’m positive that this blow was mirrored in my countenance. I was silent for several minutes. This silence was mostly so I could gain my composure because I was sad and angry all at the same time. I didn’t want to lose it in any manner. I reached in my pocket and slowly pulled something out and placed it on the coffee table.

“Here, I can’t keep this anymore.” She wouldn’t look at it. I’m sure she thought it was the ring; when in fact, it was the mockup invitation to our wedding. “I can’t throw it out, you do it.” I then got up and went back inside the house. On the way inside, her mentally handicapped aunt, as always, asked me how I was doing. I feigned a smile and unconvincingly said, “I’m okay.” Intuitively she knew something was wrong, so she asked again. I just smiled and said nothing.

I went outside and waited by this girl’s car in hopes that she had more to say… desperately hoping she had thought about what she was doing to me. She arrived and immediately got in her car. Before she shut the door she stated, “If you ever change your mind about being friends, you know where to find me.” She paused a moment then said, “Oh, and you may not believe it, but I do love you, maybe not the way you want me to, but I do love you.” To me, this final statement took the broken pieces of my heart and ground them into even smaller pieces.


Darkest Hour

The scriptures often refer to the worst times in one’s life as their darkest hour. I never truly understood what that meant until Sunday, July 12th. After that fateful conversation at her grandpa’s house, I barely made it home, driving my way through all the tears I shed after she pulled away. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I reached my bedroom and immediately fell on my knees. I don’t know how long I was there, but I pleaded with Heavenly Father to take away the pain. I pleaded with Him that things would work out. I begged Him to make His will and my will the same. I may have even been a little angry with him that I (and supposedly her) received an answer that we were to be together, but then this happened. I immediately repented of my indignation. I refused to give up hope for this girl and me. After I finished my supplication, came my darkest hour.

I will not describe in detail how I felt that night because I do not wish to ever revisit it and I do not wish any of you to go there. I will, however, tell the story of the help and hope that arrived.

During all these struggles, my best friend of 5 years had been out of town. However, by divine chance, she did happen to arrive into Salt Lake at the very bottom of my despair, at the very moment I needed someone. Without thought of inconvenience or personal benefit, she came to my side. She listened. She consoled. She took my burdens on her shoulders. And most importantly, she was a light in the darkness. Amid the tears and depression, she stood strong and with an empathetic air, she waited by my side until I finally fell asleep. I will never forget the kindness she showed me that evening. It’s one of those pivotal moments in life.

I Think I See a Glimmer

The next few weeks I struggled to climb up out the hole I had fallen into. The hardest part was trying to let go of her. She’s not a bad person. In fact, the hardest part and reason I struggled most was that I still loved her. Slowly, I surrounded myself with positivity. In my darkest hour, I was not able to sing: one of the things that makes me most happy. I tried to sing, but the desire was gone completely. As I came to terms that I may not marry her, I started to find my voice. The music was returning. I found a peace in my life that was only fortified by the Lord.

I think one of the most dangerous things you can ask the Lord for is humility. The reason for this is that He wants you to be humble, so your will and the His will are in alignment. The danger of this petition is that, sometimes, we don’t know how much we need humbling until after the fact. In the moment, I did not know this, but the Lord was teaching me to rely on Him. I’ve always known that this is important, but apparently I needed a refresher.

Now, I am ready to move on. I am happy. I want the best for this girl. I hope that she can be happy. I’m even ready to be friends with her if she wants it. If something happens later, then good, if not, I’m okay with that too. As for me though, I won’t sit around waiting for her to make up her mind. I’m ready to do great things. I’m ready to rely on the Lord. There is hope once again: hope for the future, hope for me, and hope for love.